Oh, The Horror - Iowahawk "Reports" That Gibson Guitars Have Landed In the Hands of Mexican Drug Lords

As you may have heard, US Fish and Wildlife have been cracking down on those fiends at Gibson Guitar. (H/T Glenn Beck.)

Federal Agents of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service raided factories and offices of Gibson Guitar in Memphis and Nashville on Wednesday, seizing wood pallets, electronic files and guitars.

Federal authorities are apparently investigating Gibson for the alleged importation and use of illegal wood. ...

The real issue here seems to be the bureaucratic minutia of federal environmental regulations that increasingly pervade all aspects of American life. Environmental regulations cover your home, your business, and now even your guitar.

Blah blah blah. Who cares about an ever encroaching government (which simultaneously refuses to carry out one of its most vital functions) when, as Iowahawk has "uncovered", such horrible items are not staying within the borders of the US???

Today's uncovering of secret multi-agency program for shipping illegal Gibson guitars to Mexican drug cartels left red-faced officials of the U.S. Department of Justice scrambling for an explanation amid angry calls for a Congressional investigation.

Fortunately, as Iowahawk points out, US DoJ has promised the same level of cooperation that they offered to the investigation of Operation Fast and Furious.

"I have ordered all agency personnel to fully cooperate in any Congressional inquiries, including all reasonable document request, as soon as we can redact them with Sharpie pens and lighter fluid," said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder.

Iowahawk goes on to "report" some of the disturbing details about the devastation unleashed south of the border by these outlawed guitars; sensitive people are advised to read no further. All I can say is, thank heavens US Fish and Wildlife are aggressively attempting to stem the manufacture of these awful devices.

The secret program came to light early this morning in the border town of Nogales, Arizona, after what was described as a wild battle of the bands between members of the Sinaloa cartel and Los Zetas, two of Mexico's most notorious violent drug gangs.

"Usually these guys are armed with Mexican Strats and Squires, Epiphones, small caliber stuff like that," said Pedro Ochoa, 36, an eye witness to the sonic melee. "This time they were packing the heavy firepower."

The steady barrage of power chords and piercing solo attacks attracted the attention of nearby U.S. Border Patrol agents, who arrived at the scene just as Los Zetas broke into Led Zeppelin's 'Immigrant Song.' By the time the dust had cleared, U.S. Border Patrol Agent Oscar Jimenez was found in a catatonic state of headbanging. He was later flown to University of Arizona Hospitals, where his condition is listed as seriously rawked.