Meet Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson has been Director of the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department for six years. Ron believes in the elimination of government waste and has always brought the department in under budget. In 2007, the Parks and Rec department spent zero dollars and sixty cents out of its discretionary fund, still a citywide record. The sixty cents were spent on a soda.
Ron has closed many unnecessary recreational spaces during his tenure, including the Portola Skate Park, the Grice Dog Run, the Morris-Easton Observatory, the Mohanga Native American Heritage Center, and most public drinking fountains.
Ron enjoys woodworking, breakfast meats, and the works of Ayn Rand.
He also gives self-defense tips and, most importantly, offers sage advice via his “Pyramid of Greatness“, which include important building blocks such as CAPITALISM (God’s way of determining who is smart, and who is poor), PROPERTY RIGHTS (They exist. Do not let them be taken away from you), CURSING (There’s only one bad word: Taxes. If any other word is good enough for sailors, it’s good enough for you) and an entire row of various PROTEINS (plus ROMANTIC LOVE). Near the top of the Swanson Pyramid are WEAPONS, WOOD WORKING & WELFARE AVOIDANCE. The Pyramid is capped by HONOR (If you need it defined, you don’t have it), which stands on the shoulders of AMERICA (The only country that matters. If you want to experience other “cultures”, use and atlas or a ham radio) and BUFFETS (Whenever available. Choose quantity over quality).
Ron also has many life lessons and advice he’s willing to offer, such as:
I got my first job when I was 9. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.
The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.
He has also won Pawnee’s “Woman of the Year Award.” Ron Swanson: a man’s man and a true American.
ADDENDUM: Some believe that Swanson moonlights as local Jazz legend Duke Silver. I remain unconvinced.