Anchor Rising is pleased to announce our new Commenter Insurance Program. Under this program:
1) All Anchor Rising commenters will be required to pay us $50/year for commenting rights. In return, they will be assured that any negative or boorish replies aimed at them will be edited and the offenders dealt with promptly. We will also reimburse you at an as-yet undetermined rate schedule (trust us).
2) Due to budgetary considerations, the benefits of this policy will not begin until 2014. Once we’ve received four years worth of fees, we will then cover you for the next 6 years. That will allow us to cover the up-front costs of implementing this program (see #5 below).
3) We guarantee that commenters with pre-existing commenting problems–poor grammar, inability to punctuate properly, lack of coherent thought process–will be allowed. Additionally, if a commenter treats another commenter badly, we will overlook this as per our non-discriminatory policy that requires us to accept and continue to insure anyone no matter what.
4) No.3 does not conflict with elements–implied or otherwise–of No.1. Really.
5) To get this approved by all members of the AR team, the following concessions had to be made (as alluded to in #2)*:
a) Justin will receive $150 worth of carpentry tools and we will subsidize the first year run of his new quarterly magazine The Conservative Carpenter.
b) We’ve fully funded Andrew’s software needs and also gotten him access to the basement files of the State House records so that he can take his wonkishness to a new level.
c) We’ve replaced several paperback editions of books in Don’s conservative library with first editions.
d) We’ve subsidized Monique’s fuel costs so she can continue to criss-cross the state to endure attend various RI GOP functions.
e) We’ve guaranteed Mac an all-access pass to every Jazz club in the state.
f) I’ve received season tickets (box seats) to the PawSox.
*Please note that, to coin a phrase, this is just how “you get things done” in such matters.
6) We will take suggestions for ways to improve our program. If we deem them worthy, we’ll pass them around and reconcile it later.
7) We reserve the right to charge more or reduce benefits as we see fit.
8) Finally, we hope our commenters will understand that we do this for their own good. We know best what is good for you.
That is all.